I am 39. I weigh 149 pounds.

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Repurposed Genealogy

I am 8.

I’m waiting for my mom in the Lamont’s dressing room. I hear the hum of florescent bulbs. I am only in underwear in front of the full length mirror.  My reflection blurs as tears fill my eyes.

I hear her asking the salesperson for a larger size shirt and skirt.

“Those are the largest sizes in  the children’s section.  You’ll have to try the junior’s section. I don’t know if we have anything else that will fit her here.”

I want to melt into the burgundy carpet.  Back to school shopping brings awareness of my shape and form. I am round and soft and curved. My body is one more way that I am different than the other girls my age.

My mom returns with different options. A plaid skirt.

“An all over pattern is slimming.”

A button down shirt.

“This color brings out the blue of…

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Using A Pedestal As A Metaphor

Imagine that every single element of yourself produces a piece of a pedestal or parts of a small stool that is used to stand on and display what you would like others to see as “the perfect you”. Whether you like to admit it or not, we all strive for this in our every day lives. It’s just human nature.

The problems do not simply exist in our goal to become better people, because we should all strive for that! The problems occur when our codependence to others become so important to us that we sacrifice our own personal integrity to build a perfect “looking”pedestal for ourselves and we only look like we are better people to others.
Now, imagine that each of those elements or parts that make up the legs and foundation of the pedestal have a small integrity issue. Maybe one part was built on a lie or another was built there to forget a past experience after you ignored an important issue. Maybe another was built from a broken bridge or a neglected relationship, and so on… Soon, your pedestal is built with great structural problems and it is very weak. It becomes very difficult to stand on every single day. The possibility of falling off is real & will hurt to the point of making it almost impossible to get up and begin to rebuild.