I am 8.
I’m waiting for my mom in the Lamont’s dressing room. I hear the hum of florescent bulbs. I am only in underwear in front of the full length mirror. My reflection blurs as tears fill my eyes.
I hear her asking the salesperson for a larger size shirt and skirt.
“Those are the largest sizes in the children’s section. You’ll have to try the junior’s section. I don’t know if we have anything else that will fit her here.”
I want to melt into the burgundy carpet. Back to school shopping brings awareness of my shape and form. I am round and soft and curved. My body is one more way that I am different than the other girls my age.
My mom returns with different options. A plaid skirt.
“An all over pattern is slimming.”
A button down shirt.
“This color brings out the blue of…
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Working on other projects has inhibited my blogging greatly, which is actually just an excuse for being extremely busy. I beg you to please forgive me.
Lots of new things going on… I brought home another newborn baby girl from the hospital a couple of weeks ago who was born into foster care addicted to methamphetamine along with her slightly older sis who despite being a baby herself was infested with head lice. Shortly after treatment, they both developed a significant cold with cough which ended up raging through our entire household during our Spring Break. Luckily, Kylie & Lopez were house sitting for Lopez’s parents while they are on a trip, and missed (hopefully) most of the drama around here. Thank goodness, since Kylie is getting so close to delivery of our first Grand child!
Parenting 8 has been challenging especially not feeling too great while fighting whatever the babies brought, but seriously, it has sparked a deep passion inside of me to seek revenge on the ding dong ditchers that ravage my doorbell at exactly 12:05 every single night since Spring Break started!
Despite the passion for petty revenge, and delusions of grandure as I imagine the little juvenile culprit penetrating a perfectly placed thumbtack deep into their mischievous finger. School will once again go back into session, the ding dong ditchers will eventually lose interest, Kylie and Lopez will celebrate the arrival of their baby, and head lice treatments will cease to exist. The aftermath of this epic storm of Spring Break 2016 will all soon be a distant memory. There will be 2 more babies in the world who will know unconditional love, but might not ever remember us, and my kids will have once again learned compassion and how to love unconditionally. It’s a win win and so far turning out to be the best Spring Break ever!
Woke up with a wicked stomach ache this morning. Although delicious and tastier than any vanilla cake with Bavarian cream filling could ever possibly be, the birthday cake officially put me over the edge of the holiday food slump and now I am either experiencing withdrawals of it all or I have really had my fill. If that wasn’t enough information for you to understand how my New Year’s Resolutions are going… Before the holiday stomach ache began to rule my sleepless nights, the piles on my desk were apparent, now they are just an avalanche, or maybe more like a land slide of miscombobulated paper headache. I literally don’t even know where to start. I would have had some organizational inspiration if only I would have even opened my Sunday paper due to the clever timing of all that crap being on sale this exact time of year, but unfortunately that was the last paper that started the said landslide. Landslides aside, belly ache aside, high caloric birthday cake aside, excuses aside, extreme lack of organizational inspiration aside, it’s time to tackle the monotonous tasks. Its a thankless job, but someone has to do it, with or without a bottle of Pepto.
I am going to be 40 years old this week. Although my professional life seems to be going in a great direction, I am feeling a bit inadequate otherwise. Aside from feeling a small amount of fear about growing older, there are a few things that I am sure about. I am sure that I love my family. I am sure that if I don’t physically work out on a regular basis, (at least three times per week), my body suffers. I am sure that if I physically feel horrible, my mental inhibitions increase, not just a little, but paralyzingly. In turn, my eating habits suffer. I am sure that this all eventually leads up to a deep seeded “all or nothing” type of self worth within me. I am sure it’s not healthy. I am sure this is a cycle of sorts. I am sure it’s part of being a codependent person. I am sure that no matter how bad it gets, I have no one to blame but myself for getting the gears in place for this self destructive ball a-rolling. I am sure that allowing you this insight into my very personal thought processes scares some of you and that is exactly why I felt the need to reflect on it. Being honest with you about myself helps me make healthier choices regarding my mind, body, and soul. All this aside, and while unexpectedly pondering my crappy eating habits of late, I realize that there is something that really bothers me while dining out, which I, incidentally have been doing a lot of lately. When waitstaff come to the table to take one’s order, it really stresses me out when they don’t write anything down. I am sure there is no way one is capable of remembering the details of everyone’s order by the time the last person in my dinner party recites their order. I am always relieved and pleasantly surprised when the food arrives exactly right, which has made me come to realize that maybe some things I am sure about aren’t exactly sure, maybe my self worth doesn’t need to be affected by a cycle that I have complete control over, and maybe, just maybe turning 40 this week can be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life, after all I am sure I have complete control over that as long as I can remember long enough for it to matter just like the waitstaff who takes our order.
Adrian is kicking harder every day! We have all felt a little “hello” kick from our little guy after patiently waiting with our hands held over Kylie’s swollen belly. At 23 weeks, Kylie and Lopez are already over half way through their pregnancy and Kylie couldn’t be feeling any better.
It’s been 95 days since Lopez has seen his infant son from a previous relationship. His baby’s mother continues to refuse to accommodate visitation. At the pre-trial custody hearing on December 23rd, Lopez’s attorney requested and was awarded a continuance in order to obtain paternity through child support because his baby’s mother continues to also refuse to submit to a DNA test voluntarily.
Christmas was bitter sweet for Lopez as his son’s gifts were the only ones left unopened after Christmas morning, although hopeful anticipation was renewed after a visit with his attorney the following week, as they went over their legal plan. Next step, full custody and to be honest, after watching my son in law’s heart ache over the absence of his son in his life for the past 95 days, I will not feel sorry for his ex once we win his case… I don’t think anyone will, actually!
We walked into Dillard’s Department Store… Sorry! Shiny shoes are hilarious no matter where you come from and we couldn’t help ourselves from gawking, stroking, and imagining each one of us ever wearing these in our everyday lives. This was a bit ironic as it seemed that all 10 of us were in fact incidentally being gawked at. Our family has always been a sight of sorts everywhere we go. Maybe it’s because it’s so large and hard to tell when the immediate becomes extended. Maybe it’s because we wear snow boots scarves, hats, and mittens while traipsing through the mall instead of being adorned in pashminas and shiny shoes. It’s not because we can’t afford them, but mostly because we are practical by nature. For God’s sake, it’s under 20 degrees outside! Which leads me to why we were there in the first place. It’s a practical family’s duty to take advantage of the after Christmas sales. Everything in sight is on sale, clearanced, or “gimmicked” to be rid of, and “after Christmas madness” seemed to be in full swing. I should be relaxed and relieved to have the stress of the holiday successfully behind me. As a mother of such a large family, one can only imagine all of the kind of crazy I go through getting ready for what I always strive to be, hands down, the greatest day of the year for my family. I have always loved the excitement of the renewed feelings of starting over and going into a New Year of great possibilities, but for some reason, now that the Holidays are officially over, I was sad. I lacked the usual excitement. What caused this unusual melancholy to sink into my soul, you wonder? I think it was this sign I snapped a picture of on our way home from the shiny shoe store, don’t get me started counting all the ways this seems just plain wrong, and it made me sad. Hmmm… maybe my New Year of possibilities should include a pair of shiny shoes!