I Am Sure

I am going to be 40 years old this week. Although my professional life seems to be going in a great direction, I am feeling a bit inadequate otherwise. Aside from feeling a  small amount of fear about growing older, there are a few things that I am sure about. I am sure that I love my family. I am sure that if I don’t  physically work out on a regular basis, (at least three times per week), my body suffers. I am sure that if I physically feel horrible, my mental inhibitions increase, not just a little, but paralyzingly. In turn, my eating habits suffer. I am sure that this all eventually leads up to a deep seeded “all or nothing” type of self worth within me. I am sure it’s not healthy. I am sure this is a cycle of sorts. I am sure it’s part of being a codependent person. I am sure that no matter how bad it gets, I have no one to blame but myself for getting the gears in place for this self destructive ball a-rolling. I am sure that allowing you this insight into my very personal thought processes scares some of you and that is exactly why I felt the need to reflect on it. Being honest with you about myself helps me make healthier choices regarding my mind, body, and soul. All this aside, and while unexpectedly pondering my crappy eating habits of late, I realize that there is something that really bothers me while dining out, which I, incidentally have been doing a lot of lately. When waitstaff come to the table to take one’s order, it really stresses me out when they don’t write anything down. I am sure there is no way one is capable of remembering the details of everyone’s order by the time the last  person in my dinner party recites their order. I am always relieved and pleasantly surprised when the food arrives exactly right, which has made me come to realize that maybe some things I am sure about aren’t exactly sure, maybe my self worth doesn’t need to be affected by a cycle that I have complete control over, and maybe, just maybe turning 40 this week can be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life, after all I am sure I have complete control over that as long as I can remember long enough for it to matter just like the waitstaff who takes our order.image